Review of "And the Bride Wore White"
Christian Purity Book Not Purely About Purity
Nov 2, 2009 Michaela Spangenburg
Physically, this book is an aesthetic treat for the most part, though some of the photographs are awkward. The title itself is beautiful and gentle, as is the very core of the message - that sex in marriage is something very special and that women should guard against meaningless sexual liaisons before they are married.
Beautifully Designed Book Has a Positive Message
Of course, this book does come from a Christian perspective, but that core message is one that is valued by people of many faiths around the world. In a world where meaningless sex has become as commonplace as coffee shops, books like these offer an alternative – putting the sacredness back into the sacred act.
In modern society, etherized by the mass media, people often forget the emotional cost of sex for young girls. It is easier to focus on things that threaten physical life or well being (like aids) than it is to remember the pain that adolescent sex brings girls in terms of lowered self esteem and deep emotional pain. The few times in the text where this pain is acknowledged is where this book shines.
Fault: Author Blames Women for Rape and Sin
Unfortunately, along the way the author seems to forget that message a bit in her admonishments about dressing properly and behavioral modifications. She forgets her initial message about how young women are unfairly coerced into sex by men they love, and begins to blame the victim. A few times in the narrative, sexual abuse or rape is mentioned, and almost always the burning arrow of sin seems to be pointing right back to the victim.
The author seems to be attempting to scare women away from certain behaviors with rape, but it undercuts the strength her message would have had afterwards. So and so behaved like this, thinking that she wasn't sinning and that she could get away with it, but then she was raped, such examples read. Or sexual abuse is mentioned as something that makes a woman impure, or that starts off a life of sin, with no mentions of the psychology aspects of sexual abuse. Never once does this author ever say that rape and sexual abuse is not the woman's fault, not even in examples that involve children.
A letter in the appendix seeks to create the error, but while it categorizes sexual abuse as a sin, it refuses to clarify whose sin it is. The words "defiled" and "broken woman" pop up as objective descriptions of such abuse, undermining the positive message that God loves those who have been hurt through sexual abuse.
In this short section, and in this section only, is there any attempt to distance premarital "sinful" sex from sexual abuse and rape. There are some helpful suggestions in this section, which on its own might have done some good, but cannot overcome the majority of the book, which blames women's clothing and behavior for making men prone to sin, thereby coming uncomfortably close to blaming women for men's actions.
One man interviewed as an authority in this book comes right out and says that God made men into sexual deviants, and that women have to be careful what they do and how they dress so as not to tempt them. Another male interviewer comes right out and claims that women manipulate men into sex. Both statements are well-known and well-studied rape myths - ideas that lead to the condoning of rape and the shift of guilt away from the perpetrator to the victim.
This kind of message overshadows the positive potential of this book, especially when one considers that at least a third of American women are raped. A third of the women who pick up this book might not see the tiny pearls of goodness because of this aspect of the book. Indeed, putting the blame on a woman who has been assaulted in such a way can deepen or create lasting psychological wounds. It is wholly irresponsible to even hint at such things.
Selling Not Just Ideas, But Workshops, Music and Books Too
Another annoying but somewhat less deadly sin is the commercial aspects of this book.
The author tries to sell you on retreats, on musicians, and on other books in almost every chapter. Not all of it is for her own direct benefit – some of the things she is selling are produced by others, but it still leaves one feeling put upon. There is even a page of advertisements at the very back of the book that includes pictures of the products they are trying to sell to you.
This book has a bit of a reputation for its holier than thou attitude, which though in a few places seems well earned, is mostly due to the way the author talks about sexual issues and her own experiences. Gresh dances around real candour – touching at it here or there, but for the most part just hinting at this or that.
Sometimes the reader will be confused by Gresh's stories of her own life, as the lack of total candor leads a person to jump to assumptions that other passages contradict. If she was as forthright about her own experiences as she was with her instructional component, the perceived vertical distance between author and reader might be eliminated.
Begs for a Feminist Response
What the world of modern young women begs for is a book that teaches, not preaches. This is not to say that there can't be a religious component to books concerning purity – religion is a meaningful motivator for change, certainly – but unfortunately books from a conservative Christian point of view often forget about God in favor of blaming women for everything men do. Sexual purity needs to be pursued for the sake of sexual equality, not in opposition to it.
A White Rose Inset with Two Wedding Bands
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