Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler explains how others maneuver tactfully around delicate subjects when the stakes are high, while still obtaining the desired results.
The first chapter explains what a crucial conversation is and how they’re usually handled. There's extremely useful information for handling problems within relationships and companies while dodging disasters.
Examples of tricky crucial conversations include confronting a spouse about an intimacy or addiction problem as well as confronting a boss.
Either/Or Thinking
Crucial Conversations (McGraw Hill, 2002, ISBN: 0071401946) also delves into the subject of honesty and whether it’s possible to be honest and polite at the same time. Just because someone is telling the truth doesn’t mean it’s helping or that they’re going about it the right way.
Being honest and attacking or being kind and remaining silent are referred to as “Sucker’s Choices” or either/or thinking in Crucial Conversations. The third chapter called “Start With Heart” expands on this and advises others to stop and think about their motives, desires and actions. This helps avoid either/or thinking and come up with new dialogue and options.
Making it Safe to Talk
There’s an enlightening “Style Under Stress Test” in chapter four that is useful for discovering individual tendencies to handling stress with either violence or silence. The styles are divided further and silence includes masking, avoiding and withdrawing.
Violence includes controlling, labeling and attacking. In order to break these negative style cycles, people are encouraged to be more observant of themselves and others. More tips for making conversations safe continue in “Make it Safe’ (chapter 5). They include discovering a mutual purpose or goal and remaining respectful.
The remaining chapters address taking charge of emotions, listening and taking actions. They include: “Master My Stories: How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Hurt or Scared”, “State My Path: How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively”, “Explore Others’ Paths”, “Move to Action” and “Putting it All Together”.
Because the authors knew there would be questions about certain situations or hard cases, the last chapter deals with applying skills under seemingly impossible conditions. Great examples are given when trust is lacking, someone is being sexually harassed, a person’s overly sensitive and more.
Crucial Conversations is an encouraging book because even though it acknowledges first instincts for handling crucial conversations are to fight or flight, other more civilized options can be learned. To be capable of continuing to talk calmly while discussing a highly emotional subject is one of the most important skills to develop.
About the Authors
- Kerry Patterson authored award winning training programs and did doctoral work in organizational behavior at Stanford University.
- Joseph Grenny has 20 years of experience speaking, consulting and implementing major corporate change. He co founded Unitis, a non-profit organization that helps poor people become self sufficient and successful.
- Ron McMillan is a popular speaker and consultant specializing in leadership and team development. He was the vice president of the Covey Leadership Center which he co founded.
- Al Switzler helped train, consult and manage many Fortune 500 companies around the world. He’s a sought after speaker who is also on the faculty of the Executive Development Center at the University of Michigan.
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